Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
