my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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