we have officially lost it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
