Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
