carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
