Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
