In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
