I think my fart just growled at me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
