Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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