i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Let's get the cat blown out
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
