my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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