get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
