Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
