He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
