He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.