You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
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They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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