i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
