I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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