I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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