I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
