just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
