I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
