Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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