I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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