Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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