This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
