Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
