I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Randomize
