I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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