Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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