It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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