I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
