I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
