maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
