I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
