Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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