I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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