Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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