You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
