ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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