I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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