I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
