Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
