when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
