our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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