Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
