I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
