I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
