I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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