if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
