The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
