the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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