I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
