i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
